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Aelred exemplified this kiss of spirit admirably in his last ten years of life, in which he suffered much from gout and stone. Much of the time, he could not leave his cell in the infirmary. Still, he welcomed groups of monks, twenty to thirty a time, to visit and lounge on his bed.
This behavior of Aelred contrasted with those Abbots whom his biographer referred to:
He did not treat them with the pedantic imbecility habitual in some silly abbots who, if a monk takes a brother's hand in his own, or says anything that they do not like, demand his cowl, strip and expel him. Not so Aelred, not so.
Aelred died January 12, 1167. He died surrounded by friends.
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Proverbs 17.17 . . .
A friend is always a friend . . .
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Returning to the third kiss, the infused, we could say this is beyond friendship, for infused is the enjoyment of oneness even beyond communion. Even if two are friends, here they are aware their companionship is the servant of a bond that transcends, so includes, them and their friendship. Here, the bond has less emotion than the physical and spiritual bonds, even as spiritual contemplation is less receptive to emotion than prior expressions of consciousness. This means, of the three kisses, or three aspects of intimacy, emotion decreases, and intimacy increases, in the Way: "I" consciousness decreases, God-consciousness increases. In transpersonal thinker Ken Wilber's works, consciousness has shifted from the eye of flesh to the eye of spirit, from personal to transpersonal. In Christianity, this is contemplation. The infused-Grace state is one in which we see another as not-merely-person, so beyond body with a personality. Person is seen to be only the conduit of universal Life. In the language of Merton, we now see and experience the other in God, not merely God being in the other, as in the second kiss, the spiritual kiss.
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What of the end of a friendship? Some persons will choose to un-friend you or not befriend you.
The Sage was asked, "Are you friends with everyone?" "No," answered the Sage. "How can you not be when you teach so much about love?" "For," responded the Sage, "I learned I could only be a friend with one who chooses to be a friend." "Does it bother you," then, "when someone doesn't welcome your friendship?" "No, not at all. Why be upset over a gift not given? If the gift must be given, it's no longer a gift."
When we yield to the Sprit, it is not our concern who does and does not choose to be or remain our friend. And, when one is living in closeness with Grace, he or she does not feel a neediness to be befriended by anyone. Why? Communion with Life sustains one with Life.
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Beings on the Way need to act wisely in whom to be friends with. As one enters more into the life of Grace, one senses, through insight, more easily the other, rather than being misled by his or her self-presentation. Also, as you move closer to the Divine, persons will sense the energy emanating from you, and this will draw them to you. They will likely not know what they are attracted to, for they see you as a person: again, the eye of flesh. They will not understand the spiritual dynamic at play. Often these persons are not prepared for the closeness entailed in a spiritual closeness, and certainly not in a God-infused way that transcends even friendship. They, likewise, are often projecting an ideal they long for onto you - do not fall for this trap. These same persons, in my experience, are prone to abandon the friendship and turn on the previous friend, once they feel the power of the spiritual intimacy that they cannot embrace. Also, these persons are prone, in seeing you as a person, not to be able to embrace that a spiritualized being has foibles of personality like anyone else. This means they are sure to become disappointed in you, and their idealization of you soon be deflated.
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Friendship to a spiritual being is a sacred bond, not mere affection. It arises in spirit-with-spirit, not person-to-person. The spiritual being can be friendly to anyone but will honor the nature of friendship-as-spiritual, so will not welcome close friendship without wise discernment. One learns how to be with others in a friendly way, while not opening the veil to the inner sanctum of the heart. That sanctum is for few: those who are prepared to enter respectfully and act reverently toward the Holy and holiness in that Holy of Holies.
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Last, what of our serving others and friendship? In professional roles - professor, pastor, counselor, chaplain-, I enjoyed friendliness with many under my guidance. I found that I could be friendly without being a friend. I discovered, also, as a hospice chaplain, that as persons were nearing death, friendliness is what most of them wanted from their chaplain, not anything specifically religious. This friendliness often meant joking and laughing together with the patient, family, and friends. I discovered, likewise, often family wished this friendly humor as part of the memorial celebration of a deceased loved one. I adjusted my presentation to respond to the expressed need of others present, whether in visits before death or after. So, yes, we can serve others in professional roles and be friendly with them, even playfully jocular, while not turning this kind of relationship into a friendship. This servant role, though not friendship, is another way of Presence appearing in our world.
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©️ Brian Wilcox, 2020
*Biographical information on St. Aelred and notation from his biographer derive from All Saints, Ed. Robert Ellsberg. Description of the three kisses is from Near to the Heart of God, Ed. Bernard Bangley. For Ken Wilber on the "eye of flesh" and "eye of spirit," see The Eye of Spirit.
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